I’ve been tasked with working on a certain drug that tackles the effects of a certain disease that (how shall I put this tastefully?) is responsible for causing problems with your junk. And while I don’t want to make those who suffer from this particularly irritating STD, it’s replaced the romantic side of sex & love with the painful, awful side.
Which is why I thought I’d write about a happier time in my romantic life–my first kiss. Actually, there were two reasons why I wanted to write about it, the second being I heard the song “Back to Life” by Soul II Soul, which instantly transports me back to one of the most-life changing weeks in my life.
I had one strong goal which started with my 8th grade year–I was going to kiss a girl. I had recently dropped some weight, my wardrobe was improving (slightly…very slightly), and if that goddman kid on Who’s The Boss? could kiss a girl, well hell, what was my problem?
One girl said she’d kiss me at lunch in the band room, but I chickened out the first day, and when I went back the next day, she was crying about some guy she liked (who was NOT me) who either didn’t like her or didn’t make parole. Another girl liked me, but didn’t like me, but then did like me, but didn’t but really didn’t matter because she wouldn’t kiss me.
Months later the class whore decided she wanted to be my friend (for what reason, I honestly couldn’t tell you), and told me she liked me (this was about a week after telling me she threw a party when her parents were out of town and lost her virginity to two separate guys in one night). Figuring this was a sure-thing, I said I’d be her boyfriend. The next day at school she wrote “I love Luke Ward” on her hand, announcing our newly formed emotional bond. News spread like wildfire and by the afternoon I couldn’t take the pressure, so I called it off (looking back I’m glad we never even hugged. That girl was skanky).
It was suddenly June and my goal of getting a girl to kiss me was pretty much turning into a pipe dream as the school year ended. I decided to hang up my hopes of ever getting closer to the opposite sex, and focus my energies on my latest endeavor: buying a compact disc player.
I’d never bought a major appliance before (life milestone #1), and in 1989 a CD player was just that. I saved up some cash, but not enough to cover the $99 (which was a STEAL at the time) Radio Shack wanted for its bottom of the line model (I can’t for the life of me remember the name of the brand that was specific to Radio Shack). I went to Radio Shack with my mom, saw the CD player I found in the ad and put down $40 to pay for it on layaway (white trash style). I’d have the remaining money within a day or two, but I had to put it aside now, so no one else would snatch it up.
The next night was Jackie Korth’s 8th grade graduation party. Jackie was (and still is) the child of family friends, and she lived in the next town over, which meant that I would know no one at her party. So I invited my best friend Sam to come along as my wingman (my first ever in fact, life milestone #2). Now Sam was (and still is) really good looking. My sister had a little crush on him, a bunch of girls had a crush on him, hell even my mom thought he was easy on the eyes. So when I invited him to come, it was strictly as my partner in crime, not necessarily my wingman (when using a wingman, you don’t want to have one that’s noticeably more attractive than you, as you never want to be a “leftover”. Well not never, but ideally not often.) In other words, I went into this party without the intent of achieving my current life goal.
Sam and I pretty much kept to ourselves as the party began, but as the evening went on we penetrated the inner circle of girls. A normally formidable task for the young Luke, but these girls didn’t know about me. They didn’t know I had been 20 pounds heavier and 3 inches shorter. They didn’t know I was in the band. They didn’t know I was on the honor roll. I was new, and they liked that. Especially Heather.
As we were all sitting together, Heather was extra flirtatious with me. Nothing overtly sexual or too aggressive, but just smiley and giggly and directed right at me. And Sam, god bless him, was fulfilling his wingman duties by entertaining her friends and letting me have my moment with Heather.
It was getting towards the end of the party, and my mom was soon to come by to pick me up. That’s when Heather showed me her left hand and said, “Do you recognize this?”. It was my phone number written on the fleshy part of her hand between the thumb and first finger in the loopy round font that only 8th grade girls can write.
“I do. It’s my number.”
“Good. I think I’m going to call it.”
“Ok.” Clearly I was a master of seduction from an early age.
Just then Jackie yelled out, “Luke, your mom is here!”. I had no idea what I was supposed to do next. The little man inside my head struggled with the owner’s manual trying to find anything on what was supposed to be done in this scenario. He had nothing. I started to throw out a bunch of “ums, well, uhs”, when Heather got up and left.
I was relieved. I left it with her calling me, and I didn’t have to perform anymore. I turned to Sam and let out a big sigh of relief through my big shit-ass grin. And then I heard,
“Luke, come here. I want to tell you something.” It was Heather calling from the garage around back. I hurried back there, without trying to seem too obvious.
“Hey, what’s u–” And that’s when it happened. She grabbed my head and brought it to hers and our lips met. And so did our teeth. And our tongues. And then we just held there, connected at the face. I knew I was supposed to do something, so I just darted at her with my tongue. She darted back, so I kept it up. I could hear Sam giggling behind us, along with her friends but I didn’t care–I had accomplished my goal, and life milestone #3.
The next day I went back to Radio Shack with the rest of the cash and found they had marked down the price to $75. I went home and basked in my newfound life experience to the crystal-clear sound of my first CD: Soul II Soul’s “Keep On Moving”.
The rest of the story doesn’t play out as well, but I kind of like how romanticized this version is, so pardon the abrupt ending, but I think I’ll stop this nice little tale here.